Belly Laughs

Belly Laughs


by Dave Glardon

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm what you'd call circumferentially gifted. To my face, that is. Behind my back, you'd call me fat.

The problem is in the jeans. It's also a hereditary thing. I got it from my dad, and I've passed it on to my wife.

When I go out in my boat, I have to take my daughter along. She thinks we're bonding, but she's really there for ballast. Otherwise, the boat would flip over backward.

I learned all about that when Mom and Dad came to visit us in Boy Scout camp and Dad decided to take a trip down memory lane in a canoe. It was a short trip.

As he climbed in, I advised him to sit in the front seat, which is closer to the center, and face backward. He laughed and reminded me that he'd been paddling canoes long before I came along. How can you argue with that?

I didn't have to. As he sat down, the canoe stood up. It was in slow motion, gently rising skyward like a 747 in the sunset, until gravity took over and it fell over sideways. The look on his face was worth a million dollars.

Now I'm being paid back for all the times I've told that story. I knew I was in trouble the first time I put on a pair of Dad's pants and didn't need a belt.

It wouldn't be so bad if the weight was evenly distributed, but mine is all in the front, hanging over my belt like a protective cover. I look like Homer Simpson with hair.

A few days before my oldest daughter had her baby, my wife took a picture of us belly-to-belly. We looked like two bulldozers fighting for the same parking space.

I've tried different programs and diets with some success, but I always end up right back where I started. It's not from a lack of persistence. It's more a lack of abstinence.

I've tried exercise, but that's too much like work. If I want to sweat, I'll just eat a plate of Buffalo wings or bend over and tie my shoes. The result is the same either way.

I guess I should put things in perspective. It's not like I'm a tank or anything. I can still fit in the coach seats of an airliner, though they do have to shift baggage to the other side of the plane. If the flight is full, my stomach counts as an article of carry-on luggage.

I've never let my weight get to me, until recently. As I stood before the doctor for a physical, it occurred to me that she was checking parts of my body that I hadn't seen in months. Use your imagination.

I guess I'll get serious about losing weight when I take my truck for servicing and they tell me I need new shocks on the driver's side. Knowing me, I'll just buy a bigger truck.

I know I need to make some changes. I need to eat healthier and exercise on a regular basis. I need to cut back on fast-food lunches and late-night snacks. But one thing stands above all the others, and there's no room for compromise. I absolutely must buy a bigger boat.

Copyright 2001 Dave Glardon - All rights reserved

About the Author

Dave Glardon is a syndicated columnist. You can visit Dave's Website at and subscribe to Dave's free weekly newsletter by sending a blank email to

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