Just this weekend, my sister and I were discussing Easter. We were deciding on the menu and who needed to do what, when she mentioned her husband would order a kielbasa from a local farm. My first reaction was 'oh Dad will love that'. He and the other men always crowd round kielbasa, debating whether or not mustard was a necessary accessory. Then I remembered he was gone. It was as if Emily LaTella snuck into my mind with an "Oh.......nevermind".

It feels strange to be reeling like this, as we knew for so many years, this is how it would end. Like the rigors of childbirth, there really is no way to prepare for loss. You just can't steel your psyche to avoid grief. At times it washes over your heart with the force of a tidal wave. At other times, it is a slow persistent whisper in the back of your mind. One way or another, it will be heard.

There is also no way to expedite the process. Although the public ceremonies are over, we must all sit privately with our grief for some time yet. So, we'll return to our everyday lives, and make plans for the future. Eventually, there will come a day, when it all won't feel so alien. I'll be able to answer the question 'how are you?' without tears welling in my eyes. My sons won't need to crawl into my lap and sob at the slightest frustration. We won't be startled by the telephone's ring at an odd hour.

For now, though, it's all any of us can do to just sit with it.

Copyright 2002 Catie Gosselin

About the Author

Catie Gosselin is founder/editor of WomanLinks.com. She is a freelance writer, homeschooling mom of two, and lives with her husband of thirteen years in Massachusetts.